We established in Part 1 that sex is a great indicator of the condition of our marriages. If we are feeling happy and connected with our spouse, chances are we're having good sex. If we are having good sex, chances are we are feeling connected to our spouse. Notice I didn't just say any sex. I said GOOD sex. You can go through the motions and not have it translate into fulfillment and connectedness. In fact, simply going through the obligatory motions can breed resentment from both directions. A positive and fulfilling sexual experience is an inherent marital privilege we need not feel ashamed of, and we need to be open-minded and open with our spouses in order to create an environment where mutual fulfillment can exist. This being said, sex is even more complicated than that.
Now I'm no Dr. Ruth, but the culture of trying to be "good" sometimes seems to contradict our efforts in the bedroom. It seems to be much more prevalent for women, and we, as well as our husbands, are suffering for it. We generally feel it inappropriate to discuss our sex lives with others (and often don't even talk with our spouses about it), so we are left isolated trying to muddle through a very complicated and sensitive issue with only our own expertise and perspective to rely on. We are often deeply ingrained with the concept of modesty and told that only skanky girls dress provocatively or flaunt their sexuality, but we are told in passing that once we are married we're allowed to enjoy sex and supposed to keep our husbands satisfied. Did most of us even know what that entailed or how to balance the two concepts when we signed up for this? We have so many roles, so many parts to play, and most of them aren't glamorous. Being a caregiver, a chauffeur, a cook, a maid, a slave to a 9-5 job, a student, a Sunday school teacher, or a volunteer doesn't feel sexy, but being a wife should. I spent years not feeling sexy. I was too tired and too distracted to even care, and I felt annoyed at my husband continually acting like I was desirable. I chalked it up to him being blind and desperate. Then one otherwise uneventful day of victimhood and bored-wifedom it came to me like a bolt of lightning. It would be much more fun to play the part of the sexy, seductive wife than to constantly be the pitiful victim of his piggish male advances. Once I decided, it didn't take long to bring my sexy back. We women are powerful. If we act sexy and feel sexy, we ARE sexy. And a secret for you husbands, if you treat us like we're sexy long enough, you just might have us convinced.
Going back to what I said at the very beginning, I had felt like I couldn't offer the sexual relationship my husband wanted because I didn't feel emotionally connected. When I just decided to do it anyway (and actually enjoy it), the emotional connection naturally improved on its own. Yes, husbands can help things along by actively trying to improve emotional intimacy, but we women don't have to wait for that. We can single-handedly change the direction of our marriages. It's empowering.
The acting sexy and feeling sexy are a chicken-or-egg kind of debate. Don't ask which one really comes first. I can't even really decide if they are two separate entities. In a lot of ways, if I act sexy I feel sexy, and if I feel sexy I act sexy, so whatever. I'm not a porn star, and I assume most of my readers aren't either, but that's the whole point. I am not trying to attract the widest range of men possible. I only need to attract one, and given the fact that he already chose me, I'm at least one step ahead of the game. I don't need to fret about my imperfect figure or my gravity-inclined body parts. His parts aren't so perfect either, right? Shhh. Don't tell him I said that. That being said, it's important to take care of our bodies. An active, healthy body is more hormonally and um... athletically suited for satisfying sex, but it's not about pounds and inches. It's about reasonably working on being healthy. Love the bod God gave you, and know your spouse craves that bod.
Get sexified! I know that's a pretty technical term, but stay with me. If you're into the au naturel thing I can't argue with that. You do what makes YOU feel sexy, as well as what appeals to your spouse, but some new way to pamper yourself and boost your confidence is a great way to begin a reconnect with your sexuality. For some, it's as simple as buying some new lingerie that flatters all your best parts. For others, it might mean a shopping spree to replace all the pre-baby 1990's Lee jeans with something a bit more contemporary, as well as the right size. Get a manicure, a pedicure, a new haircut and/or color, try shaving more than once a month just to mix things up, get a bit sun-kissed (not too much), up your activity level, update your make-up, get some pjs that don't make you look like your grandmother or a balloon, or whatever. Just do something to make you feel a bit more on top of your game. We're all friends here, right? You au naturel peeps stop paying attention for just a second. For the love of all that is good in this world, get a trimmer and/or some wax! Wax is not nearly as scary as it sounds, and it hardly hurts at all once you've done it a couple times. You can also save a ton of money by doing it at home with a kit you can buy at Walmart. You'll instantly have a new confidence and will never go back. Less self-consciousness and inhibition means more pleasure. If you're especially brave or experienced with this, go brazilian to mix it up (don't try that at home). This is not just for women, gentlemen. Ladies, we can gently encourage a decrease in body hair if we think it might be nice. Men will do just about anything to boost our libido.
Now that you've gotten back in touch with your sexy, act it! Remember how you used to flirt when you were dating and get back to it. Send a sexy note in his lunch or a mid-day email or text that makes him want to come home early. Prepare a candle-lit dessert and bath for after the kids are in bed. Make-out (or more, if you're brave) in the backyard under the guise of stargazing. Get massage oil and take turns giving full-body massages (I recommend on different nights). Take a belly or pole dancing class. Unexpectedly put on something sexy for a late night slow dance. Give up the pjs you call lingerie and go for something truly shocking. Try a new toy or game to spice things up. Do some research and try a new position or technique. Try initiating, for a change. Just do something! You ARE a sexual being, and you and your spouse deserve to enjoy it. It will help you feel connected as a couple, and it's FUN. Yes, fun is allowed and even encouraged in a marriage. It's part of romance.
Believe me, I know it's not always that easy. It can feel a bit unnatural at first if it's something you haven't done in a while, or ever, or it might feel slightly out of character for you. Start slow if you need to. I also know that sex has a physical component that doesn't always work like we wish it would. This is another area that requires some compassion and openness. The Act of Marriage, by Tim and Beverly LaHaye, is full of great information. Get to know what your spouse enjoys and get good at it. Be open to gently instructing him as to what you like and need. He's trying his best and only knows what you tell him. Don't be afraid to gently mention that the dance in the leopard print bikini briefs is more disturbing than sexy, or that you want more of this or less of that. Re-emphasize fore-play. Though a good lube in the nightstand is a must, it also shouldn't be a crutch. Most women make plenty of their own natural lubricant if given enough time and stimulation to be ready for intercourse.
It can be really helpful, since we women are so prone to carrying our stress around with us all day, to decide to get that sexy on hours before anything's gonna happen. Tease him a bit to get him looking forward to it. Make sure the kids are in bed on time. Take an extra long bath or shower and pamper yourself so you can feel your best. Keep reminding yourself during the day what you're looking forward to. Ask for what you need him to do for you to be relaxed and ready for a great experience. It can make a huge difference in the quality and quantity of lovemaking. If you wait til it just hits you as you climb into bed, you both might be waiting a while.
I can't express enough how much this can bless your life and your marriage. Sex offers much needed stress relief and positive hormonal contributions for increased health, as well as physical and emotional bonds that are imperative to a healthy marriage. Men, don't wait til your wife becomes your fantasy lover to offer her unconditional acceptance and romance. Women, don't wait til your husband comes galloping in on his white steed to become his sexy seductress. This gift is meant to be freely given and received within marriage, and yes, it's supposed to be fun!
Look at you bravely tackling a subject a lot of us would avoid like the plague in public! It is also a subject that people can use help with, and often don't know where to look, so it's a good thing there are brave people like you:)
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