S-E-X, Part 1: The Great Indicator

Let's just point out the elephant in the room right now. We are all sexual beings. We can pretend, deny, and repress all we want, but the truth remains. We, men AND women, were created to physiologically and emotionally desire and enjoy sex. It actually is good for our health and enhances our feelings of well-being. Those that believe in God and, at the same time, feel guilt or shame for this fact might want to ponder the whole created-in-His-image thing. If procreation were His only plan for sex, He might very well have left certain organs out and planned it entirely differently, since pleasure would be unnecessary. In fact, eliminating pleasure altogether might have made His job easier, since it would eliminate all kinds of societal ills and personal weaknesses, but I digress.

In a marriage relationship, the health of our sex life is a great indicator of the overall health of our relationship. I wouldn't have always said this. It's something that I really had to step back and humbly acknowledge after some real struggle. As much as I struggled to disprove it, though, my marriage has made more sense to me and my emotional well-being has improved since accepting and embracing this truth as a powerful ally. There are certainly a lot of resources out there on the subject, but there is also a lot of silence. The silence is deafening, and marriages are suffering because "good" people just don't talk about it and often don't know how to make "goodness" and sexuality co-exist.

It's probably no surprise that this issue is extremely complicated, maybe the most complicated aspect of an intimate relationship, as men and women tend to view it so completely differently. Entire books are written on the subject. Simply and generally put, men tend to have sex to feel close, and women tend to need to feel close in order to want sex. This naturally creates quite a bit of tension at times. In the ideal relationship, both spouses have a deep and constant emotional bond which naturally draws them into a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship. Those of you with this ideal relationship may stop reading right now (at least until Part 2), as I have nothing to add. I congratulate you on your marital perfection and ask you to pray for the rest of us. For those of us remaining, I tell you emphatically from experience that there is hope, and with some work and willingness to be vulnerable, your marital intimacy, both physical and emotional, can improve dramatically.

The first step is truly believing that sex is an inherent marital right and privilege and that shame has no place in it. Women especially need to embrace their sexuality, in the proper context, as beautiful and a blessing to them. And They Were Not Ashamed, by Laura Brotherson, CFLE, is a great resource if you struggle with this, and is a great overall resource on the entire subject. 

The second step is really excepting the truth that men and women have differing views and needs related to sex, and that neither is inherently right or wrong. Sex Begins In The Kitchen, by Dr. Kevin Leman, is a good read for this. Men, it's so important for you to understand that a woman resistant to your sexual needs is not just trying to make you suffer, and she is not frigid or sexless. You must be sensitive to, and patient with, her insecurities and desire to feel emotionally cared for in order to feel open to a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship. Women, your husband is not a demonic pig for desiring you on a regular basis. His desire can actually be a blessing to you and your relationship if you allow it. This doesn't mean you are obligated to comply with his every whim, but it does mean a sensitivity on your end and an effort to lovingly fulfill his needs when possible, which, believe it or not, will leave you feeling fulfilled as well.

This second step is not a quickie. It is extended fore-play, and it probably has to be adjusted many times over the years. It requires being open to and open with each other. It's not always easy to talk about sex, but it's so important to be on the same page here. It's dangerous to do this entirely individually, having to assume your spouse's needs, desires, and thoughts on the subject. You will inevitably be misguided in at least some of your assumptions, which is not only unfair to your spouse but counterproductive to your efforts. If it's hard to sit and talk about this, write letters or include this in your series of questions for each other. It's valuable information that can deepen your emotional intimacy and increase your understanding of and appreciation for your spouse if you can allow yourself to be vulnerable and honest in your answers and non-judgmental of your spouse's.

So if the health of our sex life is an indicator of the overall health of our relationship, how do we feel about our sex life? Is our mutual fulfillment a product and expression of our love and respect for each other, or is the dissonance we feel a product and expression of resentment, distance, and misguided priorities? We find the sensual aspects of sex exploited and replayed over and over in society and in the media. They may be titillating, but they are a lie. They deny the true beauty,complexity, and potential of married love. There is a deep love, acceptance, and powerful force within sex that can not be accessed by a one night stand. This power can only exist between two totally committed and monogamous partners that constantly work on reflecting the ideal of spiritual, emotional, and physical oneness.