Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Ready, Set, Succeed!


As I was getting ready for bed recently, I walked around closing up the house, checking on the kids, brushing my teeth, doing all the things I do at night. The entire time I was doing this I had a checklist and accompanying judgment going on in my head that I didn't even notice til near the end. I went on a long walk and made fruit smoothies for my family today. Way to go, except that we then went out to eat large amounts of artery clogging unhealthiness. Fail. We spent some good family time together today. That would've been great except that I was not very loving when I barked at my 5 year old repeatedly to do his homework. Fail. I watched an informative news program that made me feel like a more competent citizen. Nice job, but I managed to avoid any spiritual enlightenment today, which means I'll be a great citizen in hell. Fail. I brushed my teeth. Hardly even worth a pat on the back, and then I talked myself out of the 30 seconds it would have taken me to floss out of sheer laziness. Fail. I finally noticed this internal checklist when I felt my breath and pulse slightly quicken as my list of failures got longer and seemed to come at me quicker, and I wanted to scream, "I'm doomed! I'll never, not even one single day, ever do everything I'm supposed to do! I absolutely can not win this!" Luckily, the slightly kinder side of myself, the one that is less prone to negative mental outbursts, made me stop it all because none of it was helping.

It's true that I will probably never live a day when I get up on time, beautiful, and chipper, easily and happily get the kids all fed and to school on time and matching, have a personal best workout, patiently and with not a hint of resentment clean up the banana and oatmeal ground into the floor, table, and wall by my sweet and innocent little angels, find both the time and energy to keep my house constantly crud-free, make perfectly nutritious meals while offering and eating no refined sugars or saturated fat, spiritually connect and better myself, keep my mind and professional skills sharp, be perfectly patient and loving with my husband and kids, and floss at the end if the day before initiating at least one rousing love-making session with my husband. Just writing that was almost more than I could bare. I suspect I might not be the only one that has a detailed imaginary life against which I measure myself, or maybe it's a friend or neighbor with this, assuredly imaginary, life.

I have found that the quickest way to get me to sit on my butt in my filthy house yelling at my kids and eating ice cream out of the carton is to decide that since I always manage to mess up, I shouldn't even try. This happens occasionally. Luckily, because the dichotomous relationship I have with myself requires a constant inner dialogue, one side of which is much wiser than the other, those times don't tend to last very long. The much wiser me knows that it's in striving that strength is gained. She knows that feeling overwhelmed is a cue to stop, take a deep breath, and start again, simply checking one thing off the list at a time. Pick one thing, just one, to work on and grow into at a time. Celebrate every small victory, forgive and learn from every failure, and listen to the empowering wisdom inside you telling you that your strength is found in your striving and joy is in each small success.