Keep Strawberries Alive!

It's strawberry season, which I get pretty excited about. Strawberries are high in vitamin C and fiber, as well as containing lots of other vitamins and minerals. They are also delicious! My problem with strawberries has always been that, for most of the year, they are just so expensive, and when they're cheap you can only eat so many before they go bad.

I want cheap strawberries to eat throughout the year, so I've started freezing them. Sure, you can buy frozen strawberries, but those cost even more than out-of-season fresh ones most of the time. It is SO easy to just do it yourself. When the price is right, buy as many as you want to deal with and can fit in your freezer. Just rinse and dry with a kitchen towel, cut the stems off, and place on cookie sheets. Place the cookie sheets flat in the freezer for several hours. My freezer isn't huge, so I just have to do a couple sheets at a time. When the berries are relatively hard, just fill gallon freezer bags and store back in the freezer. If you skip the cookie sheet and just freeze in the bags you might find that you have a gallon-sized strawberry mass. They become a lot harder to deal with that way.

The disclaimer here is that nothing truly replaces fresh strawberries. That's still the best way to eat them and the only good way to eat them whole or freshly cut up in salads or cereal. Frozen strawberries are still very useful and nutritious, though, and are great for strawberry shortcake, pies, milkshakes, homemade ice cream, and puree to put in cakes and muffins or to pour over pancakes or waffles. With instant access to strawberries year-round, it's always spring in my house!

S-E-X, Part 2: Get Your Sexy Back

We established in Part 1 that sex is a great indicator of the condition of our marriages. If we are feeling happy and connected with our spouse, chances are we're having good sex. If we are having good sex, chances are we are feeling connected to our spouse. Notice I didn't just say any sex. I said GOOD sex. You can go through the motions and not have it translate into fulfillment and connectedness. In fact, simply going through the obligatory motions can breed resentment from both directions. A positive and fulfilling sexual experience is an inherent marital privilege we need not feel ashamed of, and we need to be open-minded and open with our spouses in order to create an environment where mutual fulfillment can exist. This being said, sex is even more complicated than that.

Now I'm no Dr. Ruth, but the culture of trying to be "good" sometimes seems to contradict our efforts in the bedroom. It seems to be much more prevalent for women, and we, as well as our husbands, are suffering for it. We generally feel it inappropriate to discuss our sex lives with others (and often don't even talk with our spouses about it), so we are left isolated trying to muddle through a very complicated and sensitive issue with only our own expertise and perspective to rely on. We are often deeply ingrained with the concept of modesty and told that only skanky girls dress provocatively or flaunt their sexuality, but we are told in passing that once we are married we're allowed to enjoy sex and supposed to keep our husbands satisfied. Did most of us even know what that entailed or how to balance the two concepts when we signed up for this? We have so many roles, so many parts to play, and most of them aren't glamorous. Being a caregiver, a chauffeur, a cook, a maid, a slave to a 9-5 job, a student, a Sunday school teacher, or a volunteer doesn't feel sexy, but being a wife should. I spent years not feeling sexy. I was too tired and too distracted to even care, and I felt annoyed at my husband continually acting like I was desirable. I chalked it up to him being blind and desperate. Then one otherwise uneventful day of victimhood and bored-wifedom it came to me like a bolt of lightning. It would be much more fun to play the part of the sexy, seductive wife than to constantly be the pitiful victim of his piggish male advances. Once I decided, it didn't take long to bring my sexy back. We women are powerful. If we act sexy and feel sexy, we ARE sexy. And a secret for you husbands, if you treat us like we're sexy long enough, you just might have us convinced.

Going back to what I said at the very beginning, I had felt like I couldn't offer the sexual relationship my husband wanted because I didn't feel emotionally connected. When I just decided to do it anyway (and actually enjoy it), the emotional connection naturally improved on its own. Yes, husbands can help things along by actively trying to improve emotional intimacy, but we women don't have to wait for that. We can single-handedly change the direction of our marriages. It's empowering.

The acting sexy and feeling sexy are a chicken-or-egg kind of debate. Don't ask which one really comes first. I can't even really decide if they are two separate entities. In a lot of ways, if I act sexy I feel sexy, and if I feel sexy I act sexy, so whatever. I'm not a porn star, and I assume most of my readers aren't either, but that's the whole point. I am not trying to attract the widest range of men possible. I only need to attract one, and given the fact that he already chose me, I'm at least one step ahead of the game. I don't need to fret about my imperfect figure or my gravity-inclined body parts. His parts aren't so perfect either, right? Shhh. Don't tell him I said that. That being said, it's important to take care of our bodies. An active, healthy body is more hormonally and um... athletically suited for satisfying sex, but it's not about pounds and inches. It's about reasonably working on being healthy. Love the bod God gave you, and know your spouse craves that bod.

Get sexified! I know that's a pretty technical term, but stay with me. If you're into the au naturel thing I can't argue with that. You do what makes YOU feel sexy, as well as what appeals to your spouse, but some new way to pamper yourself and boost your confidence is a great way to begin a reconnect with your sexuality. For some, it's as simple as buying some new lingerie that flatters all your best parts. For others, it might mean a shopping spree to replace all the pre-baby 1990's Lee jeans with something a bit more contemporary, as well as the right size. Get a manicure, a pedicure, a new haircut and/or color, try shaving more than once a month just to mix things up, get a bit sun-kissed (not too much), up your activity level, update your make-up, get some pjs that don't make you look like your grandmother or a balloon, or whatever. Just do something to make you feel a bit more on top of your game. We're all friends here, right? You au naturel peeps stop paying attention for just a second. For the love of all that is good in this world, get a trimmer and/or some wax! Wax is not nearly as scary as it sounds, and it hardly hurts at all once you've done it a couple times. You can also save a ton of money by doing it at home with a kit you can buy at Walmart. You'll instantly have a new confidence and will never go back. Less self-consciousness and inhibition means more pleasure. If you're especially brave or experienced with this, go brazilian to mix it up (don't try that at home). This is not just for women, gentlemen. Ladies, we can gently encourage a decrease in body hair if we think it might be nice. Men will do just about anything to boost our libido.

Now that you've gotten back in touch with your sexy, act it! Remember how you used to flirt when you were dating and get back to it. Send a sexy note in his lunch or a mid-day email or text that makes him want to come home early. Prepare a candle-lit dessert and bath for after the kids are in bed. Make-out (or more, if you're brave) in the backyard under the guise of stargazing. Get massage oil and take turns giving full-body massages (I recommend on different nights). Take a belly or pole dancing class. Unexpectedly put on something sexy for a late night slow dance. Give up the pjs you call lingerie and go for something truly shocking. Try a new toy or game to spice things up. Do some research and try a new position or technique. Try initiating, for a change. Just do something! You ARE a sexual being, and you and your spouse deserve to enjoy it. It will help you feel connected as a couple, and it's FUN. Yes, fun is allowed and even encouraged in a marriage. It's part of romance.

Believe me, I know it's not always that easy. It can feel a bit unnatural at first if it's something you haven't done in a while, or ever, or it might feel slightly out of character for you. Start slow if you need to. I also know that sex has a physical component that doesn't always work like we wish it would. This is another area that requires some compassion and openness. The Act of Marriage, by Tim and Beverly LaHaye, is full of great information. Get to know what your spouse enjoys and get good at it. Be open to gently instructing him as to what you like and need. He's trying his best and only knows what you tell him. Don't be afraid to gently mention that the dance in the leopard print bikini briefs is more disturbing than sexy, or that you want more of this or less of that. Re-emphasize fore-play. Though a good lube in the nightstand is a must, it also shouldn't be a crutch. Most women make plenty of their own natural lubricant if given enough time and stimulation to be ready for intercourse.

It can be really helpful, since we women are so prone to carrying our stress around with us all day, to decide to get that sexy on hours before anything's gonna happen. Tease him a bit to get him looking forward to it. Make sure the kids are in bed on time. Take an extra long bath or shower and pamper yourself so you can feel your best. Keep reminding yourself during the day what you're looking forward to. Ask for what you need him to do for you to be relaxed and ready for a great experience. It can make a huge difference in the quality and quantity of lovemaking. If you wait til it just hits you as you climb into bed, you both might be waiting a while.

I can't express enough how much this can bless your life and your marriage. Sex offers much needed stress relief and positive hormonal contributions for increased health, as well as physical and emotional bonds that are imperative to a healthy marriage. Men, don't wait til your wife becomes your fantasy lover to offer her unconditional acceptance and romance. Women, don't wait til your husband comes galloping in on his white steed to become his sexy seductress. This gift is meant to be freely given and received within marriage, and yes, it's supposed to be fun!

S-E-X, Part 1: The Great Indicator

Let's just point out the elephant in the room right now. We are all sexual beings. We can pretend, deny, and repress all we want, but the truth remains. We, men AND women, were created to physiologically and emotionally desire and enjoy sex. It actually is good for our health and enhances our feelings of well-being. Those that believe in God and, at the same time, feel guilt or shame for this fact might want to ponder the whole created-in-His-image thing. If procreation were His only plan for sex, He might very well have left certain organs out and planned it entirely differently, since pleasure would be unnecessary. In fact, eliminating pleasure altogether might have made His job easier, since it would eliminate all kinds of societal ills and personal weaknesses, but I digress.

In a marriage relationship, the health of our sex life is a great indicator of the overall health of our relationship. I wouldn't have always said this. It's something that I really had to step back and humbly acknowledge after some real struggle. As much as I struggled to disprove it, though, my marriage has made more sense to me and my emotional well-being has improved since accepting and embracing this truth as a powerful ally. There are certainly a lot of resources out there on the subject, but there is also a lot of silence. The silence is deafening, and marriages are suffering because "good" people just don't talk about it and often don't know how to make "goodness" and sexuality co-exist.

It's probably no surprise that this issue is extremely complicated, maybe the most complicated aspect of an intimate relationship, as men and women tend to view it so completely differently. Entire books are written on the subject. Simply and generally put, men tend to have sex to feel close, and women tend to need to feel close in order to want sex. This naturally creates quite a bit of tension at times. In the ideal relationship, both spouses have a deep and constant emotional bond which naturally draws them into a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship. Those of you with this ideal relationship may stop reading right now (at least until Part 2), as I have nothing to add. I congratulate you on your marital perfection and ask you to pray for the rest of us. For those of us remaining, I tell you emphatically from experience that there is hope, and with some work and willingness to be vulnerable, your marital intimacy, both physical and emotional, can improve dramatically.

The first step is truly believing that sex is an inherent marital right and privilege and that shame has no place in it. Women especially need to embrace their sexuality, in the proper context, as beautiful and a blessing to them. And They Were Not Ashamed, by Laura Brotherson, CFLE, is a great resource if you struggle with this, and is a great overall resource on the entire subject. 

The second step is really excepting the truth that men and women have differing views and needs related to sex, and that neither is inherently right or wrong. Sex Begins In The Kitchen, by Dr. Kevin Leman, is a good read for this. Men, it's so important for you to understand that a woman resistant to your sexual needs is not just trying to make you suffer, and she is not frigid or sexless. You must be sensitive to, and patient with, her insecurities and desire to feel emotionally cared for in order to feel open to a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship. Women, your husband is not a demonic pig for desiring you on a regular basis. His desire can actually be a blessing to you and your relationship if you allow it. This doesn't mean you are obligated to comply with his every whim, but it does mean a sensitivity on your end and an effort to lovingly fulfill his needs when possible, which, believe it or not, will leave you feeling fulfilled as well.

This second step is not a quickie. It is extended fore-play, and it probably has to be adjusted many times over the years. It requires being open to and open with each other. It's not always easy to talk about sex, but it's so important to be on the same page here. It's dangerous to do this entirely individually, having to assume your spouse's needs, desires, and thoughts on the subject. You will inevitably be misguided in at least some of your assumptions, which is not only unfair to your spouse but counterproductive to your efforts. If it's hard to sit and talk about this, write letters or include this in your series of questions for each other. It's valuable information that can deepen your emotional intimacy and increase your understanding of and appreciation for your spouse if you can allow yourself to be vulnerable and honest in your answers and non-judgmental of your spouse's.

So if the health of our sex life is an indicator of the overall health of our relationship, how do we feel about our sex life? Is our mutual fulfillment a product and expression of our love and respect for each other, or is the dissonance we feel a product and expression of resentment, distance, and misguided priorities? We find the sensual aspects of sex exploited and replayed over and over in society and in the media. They may be titillating, but they are a lie. They deny the true beauty,complexity, and potential of married love. There is a deep love, acceptance, and powerful force within sex that can not be accessed by a one night stand. This power can only exist between two totally committed and monogamous partners that constantly work on reflecting the ideal of spiritual, emotional, and physical oneness.  

What Are You Worth?

Anyone that knows me very well knows that I'm somewhat of a finance buff. I worked in the banking field for 7 years, and even now it's a bit of a hobby for me. Yes, I have professional backgrounds in both finance and health. Though a strange mix, they are not entirely incompatible. When was the last time you felt completely whole, your best emotional and physical self, when you had pressing financial matters or unpaid bills? How does it affect your feelings of well-being to pay off a debt or take a positive financial step?

Whether you're struggling to get by paycheck to paycheck, debt-free with money in the bank, or anywhere in between, there are simple things you can do to improve your fiscal health. The first thing that can be helpful in framing financial goals and taking the proper steps in order to accomplish those goals is to know your starting point. What is your net worth? What does a current snapshot of your financial life look like? I recommend figuring this annually to help you keep perspective of where you really are and what your short and long-term goals should be.

A simple spreadsheet can do the trick. If you're really not computer literate, a piece of paper and a calculator would work, but it's important to keep it over the years to compare with future figures. I'm sure there are multiple ways you can do this, but this is one simple way. The first column lists Wealth-Building Assets like cash, bank accounts, retirement and investment accounts, and current market values of assets you own that tend to increase in value over time (like real estate). The second column lists any Other Assets like the current market value (if you sold them all today) of all your personal property, furniture, and vehicles (you'll have to estimate much of it). The third column lists all your Liabilities, or debt, including mortgages, vehicle loans, credit card and other unsecured debt, student loans, and anything else you owe. Simply add the items so you have a total for each column. Then list Total Assets (column 1 and 2), Total Liabilities (column 3), and Net Worth (Total Assets minus Total Liabilities).

Every year you can just plug in new columns for your already existing lists and have new totals to work with (without erasing previous amounts). Don't let these numbers distress you. It's not uncommon to even have a negative number for net worth to begin with. The important part is actually knowing where you stand financially so you can improve your situation bit by bit each year. Any amount of saving/investing for the future, paying down debt, or increasing equity will reward you with increased net worth each year, and you'll be well on your way to financial freedom and peace of mind.

Small Victories

This morning I didn't get any blogging done. I didn't get a lot of things done. I mowed the backyard instead, and given the oddly shaped hilly nature of my yard and my ever-expanding awkward belly, this was an exhausting feat. Yes, I'm proud, but I also found that almost immediately my mind cut off my feelings of triumph to bombard me with all the things on my list that haven't been done.

My plan was to get some great research done and put together something fabulous to post today, since I've been somewhat distracted recently. It didn't happen, and just as I started to feel the shame that inevitably comes on the rare occasions when I'm not perfect, it occurred to me that an important part of wellness is learning to just be okay with our limitations. No, my plans aren't all working out just as I'd like them to, but every time my mind takes me to that awful place where I can never win, I have a little something I like to say. "Small victories." Then I let myself revel in what I HAVE done, however small and seemingly insignificant. I conquered that ridiculous backyard. I fed my little urchins a special and nutritious breakfast. I made sure all the bills would get paid this month. I even made some progress with making my house a little less embarrassing, in case the dreaded unexpected visitor arrives. So forget that the list never actually gets finished. Celebrate the feelings of accomplishment that naturally come every time you get to check something off. Small victories may be all we ever get, so enjoy every second!

I Am Me

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." -Albert Einstein

I love this. It reminds me to be me and no one else. If I spend my life comparing my figure to airbrushed movie stars or 18 year olds who have never known the joys of childbirth, I will certainly always feel undesirable. If I compare my professional accomplishments to those without children and with advanced degrees and 30 years of experience, I will certainly always feel like an underachiever. If I compare all of my faults to others' strengths, I'll never have a sliver of hope to measure up.

I am me. I'm not any of the people I admire. I do not have their particular skill sets or personalities. I have mine, and though, in my own eyes it isn't much, it's enough to be successful. There are times I find myself focusing on the fact that I am a very analytical person that can come across as slightly abrasive, as I'm passionate about too many things, have too many opinions, and can't seem to hide them or keep my mouth shut. This disqualifies me from politics, sales, and professional butt-kissing, but it also makes me good at effective problem-solving, increasing efficiency, motivational speaking, and writing (don't laugh).

Writing is an effective tool. You don't have to be eloquent or particularly articulate for it to work. You just need a pen and paper or a computer, if you're like me and type faster (and more legibly) than you can write. Find some quiet time and just write who you are. Don't write who you aren't. Write what you're good at, what your strengths are. Leave your weaknesses out. This is a personal resume of sorts. Write what makes you a good husband or wife, parent, child, or sibling. Write what makes you good at your job or school, or the ever-daunting household responsibilities. Write what personality traits work for you and what hobbies you excel at. Write what makes you good at being you. Don't limit yourself, but keep each point concise and easy to scan back through regularly.

I have my personal resume, and whenever I get caught up in all the trees I can't climb, I look it over again. You know what? I'm a damn good fish!